Obviously with it being the New Year there are a ton of posts floating around on how to lose those last few stubborn pounds or how to make this the year you finally get healthy, and that is all well and good. But, what about the other side of the coin? What about those of us gals who have held onto our baby weight because donuts are delicious and mornings are already exhausting and way too early? What about our year? It’s not like I just woke up one morning and couldn’t fit into my old clothes. Okay, I totally did. Actually, that’s exactly what happened. I got pregnant and one day none of my old clothes fit and here I am two years later and they still don’t.
But it’s not always easy! I have had to WORK to keep that weight on. It’s not all green smoothies and salads around here, although there are plenty of those too. It’s been late night ice cream sundaes and early morning pancakes, because I’m a gal who does what she needs to do.
And, you guys know me, I’m not one to sit on a secret, so I’ve rolled my experiences into a helpful guide: 16 Easy Ways to Make Sure You Can’t Fit in Your Jeans Two Years After Baby. Every one of these tips has been tested, many multiple times, and, believe me, I know they work.
1. Have 2 kids, 3 new jobs, and 4 moves while starting a business and living across the country from your family and help. Turn to late night treats because they are wonderful and make you feel like a normal human being and don’t want anything from you other than your immediate enjoyment.
2. Live less than a mile from Devil’s Teeth Bakery and make it your personal mission to introduce every person that stays with you to their magnificent cinnamon roll. Have visitors at least one week out of every month to keep up your quota.
3. Fall in love with iced coffee. Where before there might have been a dalliance, now it is a full-blown love affair that requires daily upkeep and plenty of simple syrup.
4. Find solace that you now spend your evenings at home on the couch by binge-watching excellent TV (Game of Thrones, Better Call Saul, Making a Murderer, Downton Abbey, House of Cards… the list goes on).
5. Get really into leggings, which cover a multitude of sins and don’t have pesky buttons, which might hint at how far you’ve fallen.
7. Join an adult soccer team to motivate yourself. Find it has the opposite effect because you’re so exhausted after the games you can’t work out for days.
8. Live at the top of a really big hill and have two small children who get very tired and whiny every time they have to walk up the hill, yet scream incessantly if you try to put them in a stroller. Decide it’s better for everyone’s mental health if you drive.
9. Start a blog, which requires lots of sitting and even more procrastinating, which takes the form of wandering around the kitchen, sampling whatever sugar is on hand.
10. Have a sister who starts a dessert bar company and needs people to test her goods and would most likely be devastated if you didn’t show your enthusiasm by finishing every last bite.
11. Tell everyone you know that the only thing you really don’t like is donuts (thank goodness!). Discover Johnny’s Donuts and realize now nothing is off the table. Literally.
12. Frantically starve yourself before Alt Summit each year because you realize you need four days of outfits and don’t fit into anything anymore and don’t want to spend money on new clothes. Make up for lost calories once the conference is over and zippers are off.
13. Turn 40 and find you genuinely don’t care about your weight anymore. Test out this theory by eating whatever you want without guilt.
14. Realize most days that it’s 2pm and you haven’t eaten anything yet and are starving. Eat the first thing you set your eyes on, which is invariably cookies.
15. Become a mom. Find yourself more worried about scrapes and cuts than carbs and counting, and more interested in imaginary play than gym work outs.
16. Know that when the time is right and life eases a bit, healthiness will once again find a prominent space in your life and, guess what, the jeans will still be there waiting.
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