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Dude, this fear guy is a sneaky bastard

Here’s the thing about Mom Life: If you’re scared or uncertain, it is incredibly easy to get distracted and/or sidetracked. There are invariably an infinite number of things that legitimately need doing and no one’s going to question you sorting out the shed or finally hanging photos (they’re just going to be relieved they don’t have to do it ????).

But it’s a dangerous game to play because the Pit of Doing can get deeper and deeper and you can avoid what it is you actually want to do, what you’re passionate about, for conceivably forever without ever really looking it in the face.

The past few weeks have been like that. I’ve been doing legitimate life stuff and then other upkeep to the Pit because I’m TERRIFIED. For years I’ve been talking about all of these things I want to do, the community I want to create, my goals and dreams and the dynasty I want to build and now I’m at the place where it’s time to put up or shut up and I’m avoiding it so hard MY APPS ARE ORGANIZED INTO FOLDERS ON MY PHONE.

Finally yesterday I sat down and had a miserable/painful work experience where I essentially sat at the computer for four hours and wrote one email and one Instagram post, which I later revised in 14 seconds because it sucked. But, sitting through it, not letting myself off the hook, freed up something. It was like I told the universe, I’m here and ready to play again. Sure, I may not be able to properly use my hands, because they are frozen by fear, but I’m going to give it a try.

And today was infinitely better. Things are moving again, ideas are flowing, and I feel like I can take baby steps forward again without falling into the Pit (today is not the day I’ll be giving the shower it’s annual scrub apparently).

I know I always say this but fear is a terrible guide. It wants to keep us small and safe and doesn’t like change. But, what I need to add is he’s a tricky, little bastard too. He can shape shift (hello, Pit of Doing!) and the only way around him seems to be to look him straight in the face and stare him down (for four hours if need be) until you can hear your other voices again. (I was going to say until he backs down, but he’s screaming in my ear, “DRIVEL!!!!” as I write this so I feel like his enthusiasm isn’t waning anytime soon.)

Because the other voices are there. They’re quieter, more polite, less inclined to dance naked on the sofa in order to distract you from the mundane details that need doing in order to move a business and life forward. You have to work a little harder to tune into them, to hear their truth. But, if you stick with it, you’ll hear: you can do this and who you are matters and you are not a sum of the things you have ticked off your to do list but rather a compilation of gifts we can’t wait to discover.

Photo by my gal Milou and Olin at the Museum of Ice Cream

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POSTED ON: 11-21-2017

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